100 Ways to Piss Off Akatsuki
by ikhri0pins
Summary: When the Akatsuki's not busy being badass and destroying villages, they're dealing with an annoying piece of shit back at their lair. crack!fic, hardly canon, ooc imminent. Proceed with warning. OC (named Zuri) interaction.
1. Way oo1

"Oi, Sasori, Pein wants to see you!" I yelled, standing impatiently in front of his door. No response. I proceeded to bang on his door, in case his ears were failing him (and in part to annoy him). "Sasori?" 

He probably wasn't in. Where'd he go? Pouting, I walked away. Pein said it was something pretty urgent, and he didn't look like he was in a good mood either. I sighed at the thought of telling Pein that Sasori wasn't in. You really don't want to deal with a pissed-off Pein.

* * *

… _Sasori's going to get it. _I thought as I stomped into the Akatsuki's lair. 

As expected, Pein had directed his displeasure with Sasori's sudden disappearance to me. Usually, Pein's not so annoying - he _is_ our boss afterall - but apparently things haven't been going well and as a result, he's been pretty on edge. That sucks major balls because he becomes sadistic when he's annoyed. 

"Fucking PMS-ing boss," I grumbled. Of all things, Pein had me re-do the wards around the lair, and let me tell you, that shit fucking drains your chakra like no fucking tomorrow. It wasn't even my turn this month! But apparently everyone was either on "official akatsuki business" or gone, and the ward was starting to weaken. '_I can feel it'_, he says. Ugh. 

I went up to Sasori's room and banged at his door. "Oi!" Damn if I'm not going to direct my anger on someone else too. 

No one responded, but I opened the door anyway. When I felt the lock being forcefully dislodged, I realized he wasn't in. At first, I got even more pissed off. Where the fuck was the puppet!? But then… 

"Heh~" I grinned. So, Sasori's still not back yet… 

From prior experience of trying to break into his room, I know he has traps that activates when the door is forcefully unlocked. I haven't done that in a while now, and scanning the room, it seems that Sasori has gotten complacent with his traps. 

I managed to successfully undo all his traps without getting a scratch on myself, to which I gave myself a mental pat on the back for. Now, to do what I've wanted to do for a while now…

* * *

"You." Sasori said as he approached me. _So he appears now_, I thought. "Where are my—" 

"Your?" Innocently, I prompted for him to continue, although I know what he was asking for. But, he's probably seeing the answer to his question already. 

"…_You…_" He repeated, although this time in a colder tone. He glared at me. "My puppets…" He growled. Something moved underneath his cloak. _Ah, probably that disgusting intestine-like thing._

"Don't worry, I only used the wooden ones. The human-types won't easily catch fire now, will they?" I chirped, proud of my handiwork. "Sorry I didn't ask you about it first, since you were gone to _fuck knows where_." 

Sasori didn't bother talking anymore, instead, he whipped out his intestine-weapon.

* * *

"Ah, they're at it again." Kisame noted as he stepped into the lair. Itachi sighed, ignoring the duo and successfully dodging a flying kunai which had been knocked off-course. "What do you reckon she did?" 

"Probably used his puppets as firewood or something." 

Kisame shrugged, heading back to his room. 

Later on, Kisame would come to praise Itachi's guessing ability, while Sasori would have to face Pein's wrath for not only disappearing, but dirtying the lair with blood.

* * *

Way #oo1: Why use firewood when Sasori have wooden puppets?


	2. Way oo2

When we S-rank criminals are not breaking the laws and terrorizing people, we do other normal human things. This may seem shocking, but a lot of planning goes on into what we do. Not to mention, timing is very crucial too, so there's a lot of waiting around, resulting in quite a bit of free time.

Usually, some of us will disappear after a mission ends, and appear when another mission is given to us. For the rest of us with nowhere to go, we usually stay in the lair. It gets somewhat annoying to fight the people trying to hunt you down after a while, and staying here allows us to live a little easier.

And right now in my comfort and boredom, I'm starting to think back to when I first joined Akatsuki. How i joined isn't really something I like to reminisce on. Rather, the memorable part is after I got recruited, when I was on my first mission.

* * *

I think someone should write a book for people who are joining criminal organizations. They should. How does one usually talk to criminals? Do criminals even talk to one another? Is it okay to do small talk? Or are they supposed to be all cool and not talk?

I felt my head threatening to blow from thinking about criminal socialization. I may be a criminal, but I don't usually solicit with other criminals, so I don't really have any experience to rely on.

"Oi, new person, un." The girl I was partnered with called out to me.

I indicated for her to go on. Be cool for now. Nothing will go wrong with a poker face.

"What's your name, un?" She asked.

Am I allowed to tell her my real name? What's with the un? Wow, she has a pretty deep voice for a girl. My mind was now shooting redundant observations to help me ease my nerves. Great.

"Pein didn't tell me you were mute, un." She mumbled. I looked over, and nope, she wasn't kidding with that sentence. She seriously thought I was mute.

"Call me whatever you want," I said with a clipped tone, after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Ah, it speaks," she taunted, grinning. Where's the un? "Relax or you'll mess up, un." Ah, there it is.

Another silence soon descended unto us. It felt pretty awkward and uncomfortable again, so I tried to create small talk. At most I'll just keep to myself when she tells me it's not my business or something.

"So…" I started. I guess I'll start with that bulge on her tummy. "When's the baby due?"

"… What baby?" She asked, looking rather confused at me.

"… The one in you?" I replied, unsure. I continued to blabber as anxiety rose in me. Bad question, I thought belatedly. "I mean, to do missions while pregnant, must be pretty tough."

She suddenly stopped walking, and I had to backtrack a few steps. When I turned around, her face was bright red, and she mumbled a "katsu". At the same time, I realized something was crawling on my shoulder, but before I could react, it blew up. It knocked me off my balance and temporarily silent my world.

"You think you're funny, huh?" I managed to make out her words with my other ear. She glared down at me, obviously pissed. Shit. I thought. She wasn't pregnant you dumbfuck!

"A-Apologises," I said, embarrassed. So much for small talk, I thought.

* * *

Although I never fail to cringe at my amateurishness back then, it's still worth it to remember how I mistook Deidara for a pregnant woman when I first met him. Although the pregnant thing was resolved immediately when we first met, it wasn't until later in the mission did I find out he was a guy. That wasn't a pleasant memory, so I'll spare myself from thinking about it, but I guess it's whatever, since it's an ongoing joke in the organization now.

You know me, anything to make their lives horrible.

P.S.: Also, that bulge that I thought was Deidara's baby bump? That was his clay pouch. How lame~, a baby would have been more interesting.

* * *

Way #oo2: Ask Deidara when the baby's due.


	3. Way oo3

Hidan's always been one of my more approached person when it came to annoying people. It's fun to take the piss out of him since he gets irked much easier than the others (save maybe, Deidara) and he's immortal too, to boot. This meant that no pranks can ever go wrong with him, and oh, trust me, I've taken great liberties with that piece of information. As a result, he's also one member whom I find easier to communicate with.

When Hidan's not on official Akatsuki business, he's usually away fulfilling his duties as a Jashinist. I guess the sun must have rose on the wrong side of the earth today because _lo and behold_, the famous Jashinist was actually in the Akatsuki's lair, _lounging_ on the couch watching television. Freaking _lounging_. Now, how could I pass up such a chance to annoy him?

"Zuri says hi," I greeted as I sat down next to him. "Zuri is curious. What is Hidan doing in the lair?"

"None of your fucking business," he spat almost immediately. "Or rather, why are you talking like that dumbass Tobi?"

"I'm not." I faked an accusatory look.

"You were." He said matter-of-factly, looking my way.

"Zuri is confused. Zuri thinks Hidan should get his ears checked." I faked a concern tone.

"See! You're fucking doing it!" He was starting to shout… _Good_, I thought. _Very good._

See what I meant about him getting easily annoyed?

"See what?! Zuri don't know what you're talking about!" I matched his annoyance with even more faked confusion.

"You fucking bitch, you wanna go!?" He stood up, glaring down at me. "Why do you have to be such an annoying piece of shit whenever you see me!?"

"Zuri does not like this." I pouted. "Why is Hidan accusing Zuri of being mean when Hidan is the one being mean?"

"What the fuck!? You're the one fucking talking like Tobi and then saying you're not!" If only I could take pictures with my eyes… I swear everyone needs to see Hidan's raging face. It's _fucking_ _priceless_.

"I said I'm not talking like Tobi! Why the fuck are _you_ picking on me every time you see me?!" I reverted to normal speech and stood up to meet his glare.

He seems speechless, and just stared at me with an unhinged jaw. Then, he sighed.

"… Fucking nutjob," he muttered. He rolled his eyes and seemed like he was done talking to me.

_Eh_, I thought. _When did Hidan become so boring?_ Since words are failing me, I guess I'll just have to use actions. As he turned to sit down, I whipped out one of my daggers and slashed it across his neck swiftly. It came off easily, falling into my hand, which was waiting for it. His body dropped onto the couch lifelessly as I grabbed Hidan's head by his hair and placed it on the table gently.

Soon, the shock wore off and his eyeballs rolled back into place. He was looking absolutely _furious_, and I was absolutely _delighted _by it.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHER FUCKER!?" He screeched. "I AM 500 PERCENT DONE WITH YOUR SHITTY SHENANIGANS!"

I simply grinned and started poking his cheeks.

"Now, Zuri wouldn't be Zuri if she's not abusing Hidan's immortality everytime Zuri sees him, ne~?"

"Ne~ YOUR FUCKING HEAD!" He yelled.

From the distance, a loud bang was heard, followed by a "SHUT YOUR TRAP, HIDAN!"

"Ah~ Konan's pissed~" I sang.

"Thanks to who!? Now, put me back or I fucking swear I'll cut your dog face into half when I'm back on my body!" He hissed.

"Heh~ Zuri will wait then~" I challenged, and got up from the couch.

"Wait. Where the fuck do you think you're going!? GET BACK HERE!" He started yelling frantically as I walked back up to my room.

"Zuri don't want to~" I skipped up the stairs, glad with my handiwork. "Zuri don't like wearing blood soaked clothes, so Zuri's going to bath!"

"IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DIRTIED IF YOU DIDN'T FUCKING DECAPITATED ME!" He shrieked. "GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, WOMAN! AND STOP FUCKING TALKING LIKE TOBI!"

Ignoring his cries, I shut the door behind me, proceeding to go on with the rest of my day.

* * *

Way #oo3: Talk in third-person like Tobi, but when anyone questions you about it, speak normal and deny it ever happened.


	4. Way oo4

Quick author's note: Uwaa~ Thank you for the review, Guest-san! (´∇ﾉ｀*)ノ I will continue writing more~ Rest of you readers, don't be shy to critique my work and tell me what you like and do not like! If you're confused about anything, do tell me too! I stopped watching Naruto when Deidara died and I'm running on information from Naruto's Wikia, so my writings may not be very canon! Huehue~ Now, enjoy way #4 on how to piss off Akatsuki! (〜￣▽￣)〜

* * *

Information collection is probably the worst kind of mission to accept. Not only does it require ditching the cloak for something more inconspicuous, but it requires you to socialize with normal people, and sadly, violence is not a good way to socialize. Shedding blood may be a good way to spread the Akatsuki's reputation, but it's not always the best strategy.

Being a female definitely has its advantage in some ways, and Pein hasn't fail in using those advantages to his interests.

"So, anything on tonight?" The guy whom I was trying to draw information out of asked me. He leered at me, checking me out.

I felt an internal shudder of disgust. At least he's fallen into the trap. I put on a seductive smile and drank my shots. The loud bass and techno music was grating my eardrums and I couldn't wait to get out of here.

"Maybe?" I teased, stepping closer to him so our legs were touching. I turned to face him, giving him a full view of my rack and leaned into his ears. "Wanna find out?" I whispered.

Immediately, he slid his arm around my waist and led me out of the club. As he planted little, wet kisses on my cheeks and squeezed my ass, all I could think of was how to get back at Pein for this.

* * *

The moment I reached the lair, I went straight to Pein's room. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Deidara in the living and heard him call out to me but I ignored him. I slammed the door opened, making it rattle, and glared at Pein. I recited the information that I collected in a particularly threatening voice, mentally killing him throughout.

He simply nodded with an impassive face.

That enraged me even more, but I slammed the door shut anyway. From my past experience, I knew that nothing good will ever come out of battling Pein. I headed back down to the living room.

"Deidara, I need your help." I stated.

"… No." He deadpanned, like as if he knew what I was asking for already. "Nothing good ever comes from helping you, un." He started to shift away from me.

"It wasn't a question." With that, I marched across the room and grabbed the blonde by his shirt before he could make a run for it, and yanked him along behind me.

* * *

"Oi, if anyone asks, you did this alone, un." Deidara whispered conspicuously as he helped me set up what I needed.

"Fine," I said. After a brief moment, I added, "coward."

"I'm just smart. No one's as dumb as you to piss off Pein, un." Deidara scoffed. "Okay, I'm done, un."

"Good," I grinned. Fucking Pein's getting what he deserves today… along with anyone else who's unlucky enough to be in the lair, since I'm an asshole like that.

I slid a disc into the hi-5 system that Deidara had installed. He squeezed past me to get out of the air vents, plopping down on the ground. "I'm going first, un." He said.

"Wait!" I called out to him, voice echoing off the vents. "Give me a lift." I'm going to need it if I don't want to get killed.

After pressing the play button, I jumped out of the vents and landed on Deidara's clay bird, which was already taking off.

Apparently, Hidan was still in the lair because I could hear him swearing from all the way up in the sky. But that wasn't what had Deidara and me on our knees laughing our ass off.

Instead, it was a loud, "FUCK YOU, ZURI!" from a voice that belonged to Pein.

I think that's the loudest Pein has ever spoken. I guess Barney just makes us tap into the more animalistic side of ourselves, huh?

* * *

Way #oo4: Put speakers in all the air vents that lead to the members' rooms and play the Barney's theme song over and over.


	5. Way oo5

Meetings in Akatsuki are horrible. The normal ones, where there's only some of us, are usually fine. However, the official ones are lengthy as fuck, since everyone will be present. During these meetings, we'll have to report our findings, progress on our missions if we were doing any, so on and forth. Then, Pein will brief us on what the organization as a whole will be doing, and what each one of us will personally be doing. It sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? **But no, it isn't. **

Pein is a freaking perfectionist and genius strategist, if you didn't know yet. This means that everything is planned in great details, any you can guess how long it takes to explain said plans. I guess is good in its own way, but not when he questions our every steps to make sure we were doing our thing properly, and also just about question everything else that I don't see how it will affect the plans. He virtually knows every fact about us there is to know! The only thing he doesn't know is probably when we poop and shower. Or maybe he does. That freak.

Anyway, as a result of Pein's meeting agenda, one of us have to talk at least 45 minutes before moving on to the next person, and you know how many of us there are. On top of that, imagine putting that many criminals in a room together for such a long 's just say I'm glad Pein has that weird technique of his to gather us without having us to be physically there. I think he called it Magic Lantern Body technique or something. Pfft, did a kid name that technique? As I was lost in my own thoughts griping about Pein and laughing at his technique naming abilities, a loud sound snapped me out of my thoughts. I almost released my hand seal, but Deidara, who was sitting beside me, caught me with his shoulder.

"W-What?" I asked, confused. I think someone was shouting my name.

Everyone was looking at me like as if they had enough of my shit. What the hell! I haven't even done anything… yet. Pein sighed.

"You weren't paying attention." He simply stated, in a voice that sounded suspiciously like he was just about done with me.

"I was!" I replied back instinctively.

"Right. What was the last thing we were discussing about?" Kisame asked me.

"Uh…" I bit on my lips, racking my brain. "It was that, um, about the-"

"Uh-huh, right, point proven." Kisame said matter-of-factly.

"That's bad, Zuri-chan. You should pay attention during meetings! Like Tobi!" Tobi chided me.

"Why are all of you ganging up on me!?" I yelled defensively. "Just repeat what you said, Pein. What's the big deal, tsk." I clicked my tongue, feeling my cheeks burn lightly. It was slightly embarrassing to be caught zoning out.

"Nooo!" Almost everyone shouted immediately. Their collected voice shocked me, and probably Pein too, since everyone's projection and voice went a little crazy for a while.

"Please don't," Deidara begged, looking at me with pleading eyes from beside me.

…

Pein was probably covering something really lengthy and important, huh. I smirked.

"Oh god," Deidara groaned.

"B-But, I don't know what you guys were talking about! Not even a clue! C'mon, Pein wouldn't want me to miss out on vital information right? Ne~, Pein-sama~?" I coo-ed, grinning as I saw everyone glaring at me.

Ahh, how I wish they could see the smug face I had right now. Well, at least Deidara will be feeling frustration from my gratification.

"Fine," Pein said.

The Akatsuki collectively groaned, even Konan and Itachi. Well now, you don't always see those two groaning, do you? "

Fuck you," Hidan cursed. "Seriously, fuck you."

This time around, I did actually pay attention, but I was paying attention to how the others were getting mentally tortured to have to sit through another forty five minutes of a meeting that was supposed to have ended already. Who cares about what Pein is saying, right?

* * *

Way #oo5: Zone out during an Akatsuki meeting and have Pein repeat himself.


	6. Way oo6

"Ne, Deidara."

"What, un?" He looked up from his book.

Yeah, i know. Deidara. _Reading._ Just imagine my face when I found he had a stash of books on explosives and clay sculpting in his room. But, that's a story for another time.

"What are we going to have for dinner?" I asked him. Currently, the blonde was responsible for my meals, and I had to make sure he gets something edible.

On my last mission, I messed up and had a huge gash cut straight across my torso during a fight. As a result, I've been bed-ridden for the whole week. This sounds like the perfect start to a romance novel, doesn't it? Falling ill, coming back to the base, having a fellow criminal patch me up and then realizing we've been harboring emotions for each other. Ah~ A maiden's dream, huh? (Excuse you, criminals _can_ be maidens too.)

Sadly, this is reality and it _is _the Akatsuki we are talking about. It's almost a miracle to even see anyone in the lair usually, much less to have someone take care of you when you're injured. Well, maybe things would be better if I actually had a partner, but it can't be helped. Pein said I worked better alone, and three-men teams would just decrease our efficiency.

Thus, I've been taking care of my own ass for the whole week and since I couldn't move around too much, I've been living off the stash of snacks I kept in my room. When I finally ran out and got enough strength to step out of my room, I met Deidara who was coming back to grab some stuff.

It pains me to say this, but I shed tears of joy when I saw him. Fevers make you delirious, I'm telling ya. But, nevertheless, I was actually pretty glad because at least someone could help me with getting food and stuff… even if it meant I had to bribe him. Yeah, trust me, I'll be getting back at him for this.

"Ah, I forgot to tell you. The team's meeting up for dinner, un," Deidara told me.

"Akatsuki's meeting up? Again?" I couldn't believe it. We just had a mass meeting like, two months ago. It's rare for the group to be together in meetings, and now we're going to all be physically present at one place… woah.

"Well, leader-sama said something about wanting the group to get along better, un," Deidara shrugged, flipping a page of his book.

"Eh~," I mused, staring at the dark, rocky ceiling of my room. "Everyone will be there, like even Pein?"

Deidara nodded. _A group dinner, huh? __What a great plan Pein has… Would be a shame if something __happened to his great plan of having an Akatsuki bonding session…_

* * *

"Looking pretty pathetic there, huh?"

"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine this evening, Hidan? What happened? Did someone cut your head and left you useless? Again?" I smiled at him, reminding him of our last encounter.

"You wanna go!?" He threatened, a visible vein throbbing on his forehead.

"Stop it, Hidan," Pein ordered.

Hidan looked like he wanted to argue, but decided against it and sat down beside Kakuzu, cursing me under his breath as I kept up my cheery facade.

"Good doggy," I coo-ed softly.

He immediately shot up and swung his scythe at me, to which I blocked with a kunai.

"That's enough, both of you!" Konan ordered, while Pein sighed.

"Have this bitch shut her trap first!" Hidan yelled, not releasing his hold on his scythe.

"Why, I wonder who's the doggy here?" I continued, pushing stronger against his scythe although I felt my wound opening up.

Itachi, who was sitting beside Hidan, grabbed the scythe and pulled it away gently, like as if he wasn't even exerting any strength.

"Killing each other will really moot the point of this meeting," Itachi reminded us. "Your wound will take longer to heal if you keep exerting yourself, Zuri."

Hidan kept his scythe away after a few moments, but the glaring didn't stop.

"Now that everyone's here, let's get to eating," Pein said as he raised his hand, signalling for the waiter to come.

The restaurant was pretty high-class, and we had a whole room to ourselves. Since we were all dressed in our cloaks, it would be unwise to have this meeting at somewhere normal. Judging by the waiter's professionalism, I guess this restaurant is pretty used to dealing with criminals visiting. Well, Pein probably paying them extra to stuff their mouths.

Kakuzu's probably going to bitch about this when he sees the bill. It's funny to see him flinch at every dish Pein orders though. It's almost like Pein was cutting a piece of him with every dish he ordered.

The dinner proceeded pretty smoothly. Frankly, I was impressed with how everyone could exchange words with minimal death threats. Even Tobi was talking to Hidan without Hidan pulling out his scythe.

_How boring~ _I thought. I guess it's my time to shine.

"Ah, Deidara, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while." The flow of conversations in the room died down. I guess it was rare for me to sound this 'serious'.

"Hm?" He prompted, returning an equally serious face.

"What have you been doing with my underwear that I found under your pillow?" I asked him curiously.

A series of choke erupted in the room. Pein, choked on his sake, while the sashimi that Kisame had been eating flew out of his mouth and landed on Konan's rice. Hidan and Kakuzu both dropped the utensils they had been using and Konan broke her cup which slipped from her hand. Meanwhile, Deidara almost jabbed his eye with his chopstick.

"E-Eh!?" Most of them shrieked. Tobi held his face in a horrified manner.

"W-Wh-What- I- What- I didn't-" Deidara stuttered. His face was burning so brightly I could feel the heat from sitting next to him.

"Well, that was unexpected," Sasori murmured.

"Sasori-danna! I didn't! I swear, un! I don't even know how it got there, un!" Deidara protested.

"I've been losing some of mine too, actually," Konan gave Deidara an uneasy look. "Did you…?"

"NO! OH MY GOD, NO!" Deidara yelled. "I'm not an underwear thief!"

There was a brief moment of horrified silence as everyone judged Deidara, before I put my head down on the table and started laughing silently. My shoulders were shaking violently, and it didn't take long for Deidara to notice.

"Son of a bitch, Zuri!" He cursed, finally realizing that I was lying. As he grabbed me by my neck, it took me by surprise and caused me to burst out laughing. "See, un! She's fucking with us again!"

My laughter soon died down to wheezing, as my wound started to ache. "Your… faces… oh my…fucking… god," I said between breaths, wiping the tears from my eyes. I had to lean on Deidara for support, since I lost all my energy convulsing with laughter. "If only i had hidden cameras."

"Go to hell, un!" Deidara slammed my head on the table, catching me off guard.

Some of the members laughed at the scene, while others just sighed. In the end, the meeting didn't really went out as Pein planned. Deidara almost blew up the restaurant, but he might as well have done it. The damage was pretty catastrophic and when the bill for the repairs came, Kakuzu literally fainted.

Ah~ I think Pein should conduct more Akatsuki meetings, don't you think so?

* * *

Way #oo6: Go up to Deidara in front of the entire Akatsuki and demand loudly why you found your underwear under his pillow.


	7. Way oo7

A/N: Ossu, minna-san~! Thanks for sending me reviews! I really appreciate it and it makes me want to write more, fufu~ So, don't be shy to review my story, okay? :3 I don't mind criticisms either! I have a question for you guys! What length do you want the stories to be? Is any length okay with you guys, or should I keep to about 700-1k per story? Do tell me your thoughts! If you guys like it longer, i can dish out more details and have some sort of plot! If you guys like it shorter, I will keep the information concise and pack the scenes tighter. I guess I won't bore you with my a/n further, hehe! Enjoy another Deidara-centric one!

(He's just too cute to not bully.)

* * *

"You..."

"Ah- you!" Deidara and I stood before each other, as we looked at each other in surprise.

In the background, a 'ding' echoed in the store as someone opened the door, followed by the cashier's lackluster attempt at greeting the new customer.

_This was bad_, I thought.

"What're you doing here?" I broke the silence, since Deidara looked like he might just continue staring at me until eternity.

"Buying drinks, yeah," he raised the basket of beer he was holding. His eyes however, wandered to what _I_ was holding in my hands. "Why are you... reading manga in a convenience store?" He looked questioningly at the JUMP issue I was holding in my hand.

I rolled the lollipop that I had in my mouth as I continued staring at Deidara, pondering on how to handle the situation.

This was bad. If word got out that I liked reading manga... who knows when the teasing will end? Usually, I'm a dick to most of the members in Akatsuki, so they probably wouldn't give up on a chance to dig at me. I cringed mentally as the visual image of Hidan snickering at me and calling me a closeted otaku came up in my mind.

Deidara gave me a knock on my head when I let his question hang for too long.

"Right," I said, although it wasn't as an answer to his question. It was more of self-assurance to myself as I decided on my strategy. "You need a drinking partner?" Ignoring his question will probably work best.

"Huh?" Deidara blinked a few times as he processed my question. "Well, not really, yeah." He looked thrown off at my random question.

"That's a lot of alcohol. Just fallen out of love or something?" I raised an eyebrow at his basket. Deidara's face scrunched up in annoyance, but I interrupted him before he could say anything. "It's a joke." Casually, I returned the manga on the rack and grabbed his basket. "Like you could get anyone with that mug of yours. Come on, I'll drown your sorrows _along_ with you."

I walked towards the alcohol section to get more beer, before heading to the counter to pay for it. Deidara followed behind me after a lag of a few seconds, looking thoroughly confused on whether to question my sudden act of kindness or insult me back.

"Wait. What do you mean drown my sorrows _along_ with me? A-And who said anything about drowning sorrows, yeah!?" Deidara yelled as we left the store, a soft 'ding' resounding in our wake.

* * *

A few hours after our chanced meeting at the convenience store, Deidara was positively hammered. We had settled down by some pavement in front of some shops, which were long closed for the day. The streets were quiet and almost dead at this time of the night, so we didn't bother to be discreet about our presence.

"So, that stupid Sasori-! Oi, are you listening, yeah? Ah, whatever! Anyway, that idiotic Sasori! I still can't believe he did that, yeah!" Deidara looked mixed between feeling horrified and shocked as he seemed to relive the memory in his mind. "I ALMOST DIED, YEAH!" I cringed a little as he shrieked at me. With that, he returned to chugging his beer furiously, like as if that action was inflicting some sort of damage on Sasori.

To give you the low-down, the pair had an argument about their opinion on art - surprise, surprise - and Sasori went a little overboard this time. I'm guessing Deidara's emotionally hurt or something, since he seems to respect the guy's opinions. Sadly, the other don't seem to return such feelings.

So, yes, I guess it is fair to say Deidara's acting like a high-school girl who got dumped.

He was so drunk, he didn't bother to add the "-danna" suffix to Sasori's name anymore. As amusing as it was to see Deidara so hammered for the first time, I really did want to keep true to my words earlier and _drown him along with his sorrows_. I haven't given it much thought, but I guess it was no surprise that Deidara was a noisy drunk.

At least I will be able to laugh (obnoxiously loudly) at him tomorrow when he wakes up with a hangover, and enjoy the look on his face as he realizes who exactly he acted like a heartbroken high-school girl in front of.

Just then, I spotted a group of people turning the corner and heading towards us. I reached for my weapon reflexively, until I realized that they were just a group of normal teenage civilians just as drunk as Deidara, if not more.

"Hey, look," I heard one of them say as they spotted us. The group of boys shared a look, before stumbling towards us. "Hey, nee-chan~ Your friend looks really smashed, huh? Want us to send you two home?"

As he breath out, the stench of alcohol was thick in the air. The boys had lewd grins plastered on to their face as they visually scanned me... and then Deidara. One of them whistled at him.

"Blondie, you doing alright there~?" The guy leaned down to hold Deidara's chin. I watched as Deidara blinked blankly at the boy, before realising what was going on. I could probably point out the exact moment his face started contorting into one of embarrassed rage.

"F-Fuck off!" Deidara slapped the hand away. I cracked up at the look on his face, doubled over in pain from laughing. "Shut up, you piece of shit, yeah!" He slapped me on the head. I didn't even have enough energy to slap him back.

"Shit! It's a fucking trap!" The boy whose hand Deidara slapped exclaimed out. He probably didn't expect for Deidara to have such a deep voice. "Let's go man, I'm not interested in trannies."

And with that, the group of boys stumbled away, leaving Deidara and I to blink at their stumbling backs.

This time around, I didn't even have the energy to hold myself up anymore. I just collapsed on the dirt road and got tortured with silent laughter, while Deidara's face screamed for blood. Sadly, he couldn't even stand up properly, much less take another person's life. But, it didn't mean he couldn't try. His attempts at trying to chase after the boys while yelling profanities and curses just served to amuse me even more, on top of everything that was already going on.

Needless to say, I had made sure to relay everything in excruciating specific details to Deidara when morning came around. After all, what kind of a friend would I be if I don't thank Deidara for the amusing night he so kindly bestowed on me?

* * *

Way #oo6: Say "It's a trap!" to Deidara.


	8. Way oo8

A/N: I've been away for quite a while eh~? Well I blame Gintama and South Park: The Stick of Truth... and my ability to not continue whatever I started ^^;; I'm aiming for one update per week! I'm not sure how well I will fare on that but I will give it my best B) With that said, keep the reviews coming in! Enjoy another chapter of Zuri's adventure in pissing Akatsuki off~

* * *

"_In definition, aliens are creatures from other planets. Many argue of the possibility of aliens and the reliability of existing evidence, and this debate has been on going for hundreds of years…"_

As the voice on the television droned on, my mouth stretched open with a great yawn. It was the start of summer, and the days were passing by very, _very_ slowly. I've also gradually been getting lazier and lazier with each passing day, to the extent that I've ceased any contact with the world outside my room.

I mean, if it was you, would you rather laze in comfortable air conditioning or put yourself in danger of skin cancer under the crazy heat?

However, being lazy comes with being bored, and after a full two weeks of being useless, I was debating on leaving my room.

"_…So, how would one identify an alien?_"

My attention returned to my television screen. I know they were probably going to say something ridiculous, but it wouldn't hurt to listen to what they have to say.

"_First and foremost, like how a thief would not admit to stealing things, an alien would not admit to being an alien either. Secondly…_"

"Wow, such revelation, much surprised." I gave the person that was talking on the screen an unamused look. This show was silly, and the speaker's tone was starting to rub me up the wrong way. But, I continued listening anyway. I was too lazy to reach for the remote two feet away from me.

"… _Now that we've learnt how to identify aliens, it is time we learn to protect ourselves against them. Although not all aliens are hostile, it is still safer to be prepared against possible threats. Therefore, in this show, we will teach you a never before seen tactic of guarding against these creatures. First, you…"_

When the show finally ended, I switched off the television and sat in silence for a few moments. Aliens… what are the possibility that they actually exist? I mean, it's not like they would approach the Akatsuki even if they did… right!? We're kind of like, well-known, in a sense, for kicking asses. I'm pretty sure some alien asses - if they exist - would be no big deal for us.

Before I knew it, paranoia kicked in and I finally left my room for the first time in two weeks, clutching a list of ingredients in my hand.

I mean, it's better to be safe then sorry, right?

* * *

"Ne, Zuri-chan, what are you doing?" Tobi asked me.

I looked down at him from where I was standing on a ladder.

"Mmn mmhmm mnn nmmmm," I tried to speak through the pile of yellow paper I was biting on.

Tobi tilted his head to the right. "Tobi doesn't understand Zuri."

When I finished nailing, I removed the bunch of paper I was biting on and repeated myself. "These are charms to keep aliens away."

"Oh~" Tobi nodded his head slowly in comprehension, before pausing in mid air. "Aliens exist?"

"W-Well, just because you can't see your heart doesn't mean it's not pumping, right?" I stuttered, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Huh? What has aliens got to do with my heart?" Tobi scratched his scalp, and I could almost see the question marks clutter around his head in a halo.

I sighed. "Ah, well, I'm too lazy to explain to you. Wanna help me-"

"Aliens don't exist. How old are you? Twelve?" I heard a voice speak up behind me. When I turned around, I saw Kisame casually leaning against the wall, dressed in only a pair of sweatpants. He probably just woke up. "And anyway, your hammering is interrupting my sleep, would you stop that?"

_Aliens don't exist… aliens don't exist…_ As Kisame's words repeated in my mind, I suddenly remembered the television show from earlier on.

"How…" I paused for effect, "are you so sure that aliens don't exist, Hoshigaki Kisame-san?" I squinted at him suspiciously.

If anyone were to be an alien, Kisame would have a higher chance, won't he? Blue-skin, with fish-like features… Small, circular eyes and those gills… He hardly looks human. Besides, aliens have been known to blend into the society too…

"Zuri, how many times do I have to tell you I was born like that?" Kisame sighed, noticing how I was scrutinizing the gills on his cheeks and arms. "Stop what you're thinking right now, I am not an alien. This is part of my clan's-"

"Did you know, the first way to identify an alien is when someone denies they are an alien." I told Kisame, as I started to cautiously descend the ladder I was on.

Kisame and Tobi exchanged confused looks.

"Wha-"

"You're… ONE OF THEM!" I yelled, pointing at Kisame. Tobi and Kisame jumped, shocked at my sudden outburst. I started to put distance between us, with my front still facing Kisame. "Get away from me! My ass will not be probed by you!"

After a few moments of silence, Tobi yelled, "TOBI WILL NOT BE PROBED BY KISAME!" and followed my actions, pointing at Kisame while slowly stepping backwards.

I turned around to start running away at full speed. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, MY DEAR AKATSUKI MEMBERS! WE'VE BEEN INFILTRATED BY ALIENS!"

"RUN BEFORE KISAME PROBES YOU!" Tobi yelled after me.

Our voices echoed off the rocky walls as we ran. We were both finally out of the lair when suddenly, we heard footsteps approaching from behind both of us in an increasing pace.

"No one's probing your ass, Zuri." Kisame suddenly appeared in front of me, looking really pissed. "But Samehada's going to impale you for RUINING MY SLEEP WITH YOUR SHOUTING!"

I yelped in surprise, using Tobi as my shield before turning and running back into the lair.

"Your sacrifice will be remembered, Tobi! I will avenge you!"

* * *

Way #oo8: Make fake charms and hang them all around the base. Claim that they keep the aliens away. Whenever one of the Akatsuki members says that aliens don't exist, run away screaming, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"


End file.
